A Summer Night Predicament
by Pharisee
Summary: Denmark is bored. There's nothing to watch on tv. No beer in the fridge to drink. No Norway to annoy. No reason to live. That is until he finds a certain Swede to bother. Afterwards, things do not go very well for our mischievous Dane.
1. Chapter 1

"Bored! Boreeed! Boreeeeeeduuuuhhhhhhhhmmmmmm!" groaned the irritated Dane.

He had been laying in the same upside down position on the couch for a good five minutes. There was nothing good on TV. What was the point of paying extra for more channels if nothing interesting ever came on? Most okay shows were on during daylight hours but at four in the morning, it was the same paid programming over and over again.

"ShamWOW," he said mocking the supposed satisfied customers. "Good just because the Germans made it? Bullshit! Everybody knows all the amazing things on Earth were created by the Nordics."

No longer being able to take the annoying "Limited time Only" TV Offers, Denmark got up and walked to the fridge. If anything could make him less bored, it would be beer. Beautiful, delicious, sent down from the heavens beer.

Denmark opened the fridge door a little too quickly and the light blinded him. Peeking in with squinted eyes he felt his heart sink.

"What? No! No way this is happening. Where the hells the Carlsberg? Where's the Tuborg? I don't even see any of Sve's disgusting stuff either!"

He closed the door and opened it several times while laughing maniacally. The Danish nation, known for being the eighth biggest drinker in the world, was in disbelief as to how every single beer -no- every single form of alcohol could have disappeared. Sure he drank a lot but not that much. And someone would always replace the beer before it even reached less that a six pack.

"Træls! Hvad skal jeg nu gøre?"

The weather was unusually warm, even for summer. All of the Nordics had come to his house for their monthly family gathering. That is, everyone except Norway. Norway had important business to attend to back home so he wasn't able to come. That was unfortunate for Denmark considering Norway was the only person willing to deal with his insomnia, boredom, and annoyance. Without Norway, he had no one to talk to. Everyone else had locked their rooms to keep Denmark away at night. It was too early to go on a beer run and he wasn't the least bit sleepy.

"Fuck det. Guess I'll go for a walk or something," he told himself as he stepped outside the house.

Not even a minute had passed and he barely reached the end of his drive way when boredom struck again. He turned with a groan and headed back to the house when he realized that he had locked the front door and forgotten the key.

"For helvede!" he screamed. Banging loudly on the door, he called out, "Hello. Hey! Someone! Open the door! Come on! Open up!" but to no avail. The Dane started walking to the backyard hoping he had left it unlocked when suddenly something interesting caught his eye.

A window.

An open window.

Sve's open window.

A devilish smirk found its way to Denmark's face and in a flash the eccentric blonde was climbing the wall to Sweden's room on the third floor. Once next to the window, he swung over one leg and then the other.

"Finland," murmured a blissfully sleeping Swede. Denmark looked around to see if anyone else was in the room. Nope. Not surprising though. Finland was a mother and wife and yet he continued to deny any sort of relationship with Sweden or Sealand.

'So irresponsible,' thought Denmark. Then he remembered what he came for. The sinister look returned to his face. The look that held no malice yet much mischief. He turned and walked to the corner farthest from the bed and then without notice, ran and leaped on Sweden immediately waking him from his slumber.

"Wh't the-?" cried out Sweden before Denmark placed a pillow in his head so he wouldn't know of the identity of the man who awoke him. Many muffled and mumbled threats were heard from beneath the pillow. Denmark could barely hold back him laughter as he sat on top of the pillow.

The heavy weight on his face and torture he was being put through was familiar. It was the same thing he went through when he lost in a fight against-

"Danmark!" growled an aggravated Swede. This was Denmark's cue to run away. Sweden didn't normally get angry but when he did all hell would break loose. Denmark didn't care what anyone said. An angry Sweden was ten times scarier than any woman's scorn.

"Danmark!" yelled Sweden as he jumped off the bed and chased Denmark out of the room. "Dumjävel! Kukhuvud! Dra åt helvete! Jag ska döda dig!" Sweden's profane outburst caused the whole house to wake up. Iceland and his puffin stood in the middle of the hallway not surprised to see Sweden running after a cheeky Denmark.

"Cosa diavolo sta succedendo?" screamed Mr. Puffin. "Who does a puffin have to whack to get some sleep around here?"

"Knep dig selv!" said Denmark. "Du fanger mig aldrig, din stodder!"

Finland stood in the doorway of his room hoping the fighting would die off soon so he could get back to sleep.

The door of the room next to his opened up and out came a groggy Sealand. "Mama, what are Daddy and Uncle Denmark saying?"

Finland sighed, "Not your Mama. And your father and your definitely not uncle Denmark are not saying anything of importance but you still shouldn't repeat any of it."

"Mama, can I sleep with you?"

"Not your-" Finland was interrupted by many more inappropriate insults that thankfully Sealand did not understand. "Sure. Come on in," said Finland as he covered the child's ears praying that he wouldn't later remember those obscenities.

**Author's Note**  
>Translations:<br>"Carlsberg and Tuborg" - Popular Danish Beer  
>"Sve" - What the Nordics call Sweden<br>"Træls! Hvad skal jeg nu gøre?" - "This sucks. Now what am I going to do?" (Danish)  
>"Fuck det" - "Fuck it." (Danish)<br>"For helvede!" - "Damn it/Damn it to hell/To hell!" (Danish)  
>"Dumjävel! Kukhuvud! Dra åt helvete! Jag ska döda dig!" - "Stupid fucker! Dickhead! Go to hell! I'll kill you!" (Swedish)<br>"Cosa diavolo sta succedendo?" - "What the hell is going on?" (Italian)  
>"Knep dig selv!" - "Fuck you!" (Danish)<br>"Du fanger mig aldrig, din stodder!" - "You'll never catch me, you motherfucker!" (Danish)

(These are all rough translations. I am not fluent in Danish, Swedish, or Italian so if something is wrong please feel free to correct me.)

I made Mr. Puffin speak Italian because it is said that he speaks like a Mafioso and I thought this would be more comical than Icelandic. Also, my Icelandic is terrible.


	2. Chapter 2

"But uncle Norway! You promised," groaned Sealand.

"I know I did Sea, but my workload turned out bigger than expected," replied Norway.

"I haven't seen you since June. You've been saying that you were going to come over for a while now but you never do."

"I'm sorry. I know you're disappointed. Just remember what I promised you."

"To arrive just in time for my birthday party and to give me the coolest present ever."

"Exactly. I still have a week until your birthday and I plan to stay true to my word. So until then I need you to wait patiently."

"Yes, uncle Norway," said Sealand obediently.

"Okay. My break's over so I got to go. Just remember what I told you and before you know it we'll be together again. Vi snakkes."

"Vi snakkes," said Sealand before hanging up.

It was August 26. Seven days before his birthday celebration and everybody but Norway had come to Sweden's house (where Sealand's party was normally held). A few months ago Norway had promised to give Sealand the "coolest present ever" and since then Sealand was unable to sleep. Norway was the best present giver among the Nordics; always knowing what to give. Even when no hint was given as to what someone wanted, Norway still knew. He always knew. It was so ironic seeing as Norway never really seemed interested enough in anything to pay much attention.

Sealand walked into the kitchen to put the phone away and found Sweden and Denmark arguing.

"What the hell, Sve? I thought we had an agreement here!" yelled Denmark.

"W'll I ch'nged m' mind. We're serv'ng the Klimp and the Köttbulla f'rst then th' Smørrebrød," said Sweden as he flipped the pancakes off the frying pan and onto the plate.

"This is so unfair. How could you make such a huge decision without informing me? Everything was so well planned out a few days ago and now you're just suddenly changing everything? Do you know how difficult it will be adjusting the serving schedule now? What's next? Are you gonna decide to skip the Stjerneskud and go straight into the Rødgrød?" asked an exasperated Dane.

"Actu'lly, I was k'nd of," Sweden hesitated.

Denmark's eyes widened. "Kind of what?"

"I was k'nd of thinkin' of g'tting rid of th' Rødgrød all tog'ther."

Denmark took the plate with the pancakes on them and furiously threw it on the floor, shocking Sweden and Sealand who was still standing in the doorway.

"Wh't's the matter w'th ya, Danmark?" screamed Sweden.

"No! What's the matter with you? Everything was going great and we were actually getting along and now you just want to fuck everything up. The fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothin' is wrong w'th me," replied Sweden in a calmer voice when he noticed that Sealand was in the room watching the spectacle.

"Like hell. You love Rødgrød. We both do. And now you suddenly want to get rid of it after you were the one to suggest it? This isn't like you at all," Denmark continued to raise his voice, unaware of the young nation that was standing only a few feet away from him.

"Rødgrød is fine but it's not necessar'ly m' fav'rite."

"Bullshit!" interrupted the Dane who seemed to be getting angrier and angrier with each passing second.

"It's just th't I think Princesstårta will taste much better and maybe aft'rw'rds we could serve Salmiakki. Fin th'nks it's a good idea so-"

"Finland!" shrieked Denmark. "Of course, how did I not see this coming? You always were quick to change your mind after getting some ass."

"Danmark, this isn't th' time or th' place to talk about this," whispered the Swede while gesturing to Sealand.

Denmark turned to a confused Sealand. Normally Denmark would have stormed out of the room but this time his temper had gotten the best of him. He stood in the middle of both Sweden and Sealand to make sure that they could both hear him.

"And why not Sve? Are you embarrassed for your son to find out how weak his father's will is when a little køn is involved? Listen up Sea, because your daddy dearest here isn't exactly the saint he makes himself out to be. Do you know how many times he's thrown away values and morals just because a good looking person has told him 'Vil du dyrke sex?' I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done it at least once before in the past," Denmark smirked to himself knowing that last part had touched a nerve.

"Papa," called out Sealand. "What does that mean? The thing uncle Denmark said."

Sweden growled internally. "Abs'lut'ly nothing. Would ya mind look'ng for Hanatamago for me? It's almost time f'r her walk."

"Ok Papa," Sealand walked out the backdoor and immediately Sweden punched Denmark.

"Wh't th' fuck is wrong w'th ya? Wh't if he had und'rstood what ya said?"

"Oh come on Sve," pouted Denmark while cradling his throbbing cheek. "I haven't taught him nearly enough Danish for him to know what I'm saying. Besides, I was joking. I never said that. What I had really said was 'Jag vill ha sex med dig?', and judging by how hard that punch was I'd say you still remembered that night." This was met by another assault from the Swede.

"Are ya tryin' to piss me off on purpose?"

"Look, you're the one that started it. Finland's got you totally whipped and you're just too stupefied by lust to realize it."

"You're one to t'lk. Ya know I have the slightest suspicion that you're just upset 'cause you haven't seen Norge in a wh'le."

"So what? None of us have seen Norge since June," replied Denmark while frowning.

"Ja but ya haven't 'seen' him," smiled Sweden smugly.

"Fuck dig, Sve," blushed an irritated Denmark.

"No way, I'm never making th't mistake again."

"How about you go back to your Finnish luder and you leave me alone? Although I guess I can't blame you. Finland does have a god røv!"

And with that Denmark was turning the street corner, running for his life.

**Author's Note**

Translations:

"Vi snakkes" - "Goodbye/Talk to you later." (Norwegian)

"Klimp" - Swedish Dumplings

"Köttbulla" - Swedish Meatballs

"Smørrebrød" - Danish Open Sandwiches; usually consists of a piece of buttered rye bread (rugbrød), a dense, dark brown bread. Pålæg (literally "on-lay"), the topping, then among others can refer to commercial or homemade cold cuts, pieces of meat or fish, cheese or spreads. "Stjerneskud" - Often called "The Shooting Star"; popular Danish open sandwich.

"Rødgrød" - Danish Red Berry Pudding With Cream

"Princesstårta" - Swedish Princess Cake

"Salmiakki" - Salty Liquorice; popular in Finland

"Køn" - "Sex" (Danish)

"Vil du dyrke sex?" - "Do you want to have sex?" (Danish)

"Jag vill ha sex med dig?" - "I want to have sex with you." (Swedish)

Norge - What the Nordics call Norway

"Fuck dig" - "Fuck you" (Danish)

"Luder" - "Whore" (Danish)

"God røv" - "Nice ass" (Danish)

(These are all rough translations. I am not fluent in Danish, Swedish, or Norwegian so if something is wrong please feel free to correct me.)

Hey guys. I'm finally back after almost 8 months. I'm really sorry for not updating. I've been going through some stuff but I have this whole week off and I'm going to try get into the habit of writing again. This chapter's kind of short. Not much going on other than Denmark and Sweden arguing again. I promise an actually plot will arrive sometime in the next five chapters. With that being said, I have decided to continue this as a story with several chapters that will hopefully get longer in the near future.

Special thanks to Marzol for reviewing and to everyone who read and favorite it.


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